I always found it amazing how one human being can completely envelope him self into another person. It is as if the relationship creates the person as opposed to the person creating the relationship. I suppose the reason I find it so amazing is because I am one to do that. 'They' say this happens when people truly fall in love and mold into one another. I however am not referring to a romantic love but a genuine love for another person. In which I completely lose myself with that person. Why is that? Why is it that suddenly I lose my preferences and nerve? It is as if you are pouring water into the ocean. Can you differentiate between which was the water in the glass and which was already there? It is an impossible feat.
I am my own person. With my own thoughts, emotions, opinions, flaws and talents. And yet I feel this dependency on others. Each year I begin saying to myself this is not going to happen again. This time I won't allow anyone to over ride who I am. Does that usually happen? Unfortunately, no. However now that I am in a new area of my life I am somewhat left without a choice. I came to college and here are hundreds of people who know nothing about me. They have no preconceived notions of who I am or who I should be. Some may see going into a new place knowing no one is scary. I have chosen to look at it as an opportunity.
I am who I am, there is no need to hide that. No longer can I sit in fear of what another may think of me. Who am I ultimately hurting by not being true to myself? Me. And because I have been able to place myself aside for as long as I have I do not even have a clear understanding of who I Am any more.
But what truly makes a person? The essence of a person does not consist of characteristics, talents and abilities, dislikes and so on. Rather who a person is, is how they think. How one thinks decides their heart and ultimately their actions. My thinking may not make sense to some, may be boring to others, completely agree with another group of people or could express the words one may never have had the ability to say.
I am who I am for a reason. As cocky as it may sound hiding it will only negatively affect those that need me.
No longer will I run and hide myself behind someone else. I will stand as I am. What a liberating feeling it is too.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
A Moving People
Overall as people we are a moving species. Constantly going from one place to another. Whether by choice or by a force we never stay in one place for a long period of time. There is this constant need for action, movement. But why? Why does it seem almost impossible to simple stay still?
The entire concept of moving is based on the decision of whether to stay or to go? Some may say that there is another option available, the option of not deciding. However in not deciding your lack of action is a decision within itself. No matter where or how you approach the situation you will always be met with a decision to make. Whether it be a literal movement or more of a figurative moment the desire is always stirring inside. More often then not our emotions and wants overtake any thought of what a person should actually do. One will sit and contemplate all of the possibilities and their outcomes. After coming to a conclusion you act. If lucky the action will cause the reaction you desire. But unfortunately that does not always happen.You act according to plan yet the reaction is either nonexistent or perhaps not quite what you wanted. And what is our first response? What else can I do? The thought that there is not an available option is not something we consider. The thought that something can be a lost cause is too much to bear. There must always be something for you to do. But is there?
And where does this desire to act stem from? The need to be in control? The fear of nothing ever changing? It becomes more than a desire it becomes a compulsion. I have to be able to fix this. Never considering the possibility that you can not. To settle with that fact, is it accepting reality or giving up? When do you know when to stop when your heart may never want to?
The entire concept of moving is based on the decision of whether to stay or to go? Some may say that there is another option available, the option of not deciding. However in not deciding your lack of action is a decision within itself. No matter where or how you approach the situation you will always be met with a decision to make. Whether it be a literal movement or more of a figurative moment the desire is always stirring inside. More often then not our emotions and wants overtake any thought of what a person should actually do. One will sit and contemplate all of the possibilities and their outcomes. After coming to a conclusion you act. If lucky the action will cause the reaction you desire. But unfortunately that does not always happen.You act according to plan yet the reaction is either nonexistent or perhaps not quite what you wanted. And what is our first response? What else can I do? The thought that there is not an available option is not something we consider. The thought that something can be a lost cause is too much to bear. There must always be something for you to do. But is there?
And where does this desire to act stem from? The need to be in control? The fear of nothing ever changing? It becomes more than a desire it becomes a compulsion. I have to be able to fix this. Never considering the possibility that you can not. To settle with that fact, is it accepting reality or giving up? When do you know when to stop when your heart may never want to?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Which Way?
Well the wait is over. I am sure that all of you, well maybe just one
person who actually read this my dear KEG, have been waiting for my decision of what it is that I am going to write. After deep consideration I have made my decision and that is I do not have one. When I first contemplated creating a blog I felt that I needed some kind of topic or subject that would not only give me something to write about but to keep me on track. But I realized that life is not always something that follows a track. Whether or not I realize it as it is happening, every moment plays a part in my life that eventually
will contribute to my future. So in actuality I did pick an option, rambling. However, I will try my best to make it interesting.
Well as I previously stated I am a freshman in college. Attending college was never a decision for me. The option not to go was never a thought in my mind. College was the next step in my life. And now
that I am here I am happy to say it was the right one. I absolutely love it. But at the same time it petrifies me in a way that I have never experienced before. It's funny that one could constantly think of their future without even noticing. Whether it be through a day dream or simple conversation our futures are constantly on our minds. Here at college it is as if this reoccurring thought is placed in front of your face like a blinking neon sign. As if worrying on my mind is not enough, I am in an institution where the whole purpose is to prepare for the future. But what happens when you do not know what your future is going to be? Everyone says as a Freshmen I have plenty of time. But within my first semester I already changed my major once and have considered about 10 others. You know the image of the young person standing on a ride with the fork in front of him. Each road offering a different road for life. Mine however feels as if I am surrounded by roads. I want to know my future without losing the element of surprise and anticipation, the good kind any way. O how I long for direction!
person who actually read this my dear KEG, have been waiting for my decision of what it is that I am going to write. After deep consideration I have made my decision and that is I do not have one. When I first contemplated creating a blog I felt that I needed some kind of topic or subject that would not only give me something to write about but to keep me on track. But I realized that life is not always something that follows a track. Whether or not I realize it as it is happening, every moment plays a part in my life that eventually
will contribute to my future. So in actuality I did pick an option, rambling. However, I will try my best to make it interesting.
Well as I previously stated I am a freshman in college. Attending college was never a decision for me. The option not to go was never a thought in my mind. College was the next step in my life. And now
that I am here I am happy to say it was the right one. I absolutely love it. But at the same time it petrifies me in a way that I have never experienced before. It's funny that one could constantly think of their future without even noticing. Whether it be through a day dream or simple conversation our futures are constantly on our minds. Here at college it is as if this reoccurring thought is placed in front of your face like a blinking neon sign. As if worrying on my mind is not enough, I am in an institution where the whole purpose is to prepare for the future. But what happens when you do not know what your future is going to be? Everyone says as a Freshmen I have plenty of time. But within my first semester I already changed my major once and have considered about 10 others. You know the image of the young person standing on a ride with the fork in front of him. Each road offering a different road for life. Mine however feels as if I am surrounded by roads. I want to know my future without losing the element of surprise and anticipation, the good kind any way. O how I long for direction!
Friday, January 21, 2011
The Beginning
So today begins my blogging adventure. I never considered writing a blog before, feeling it was somewhat impractical. However, now I am a freshmen in college who is currently considering becoming an English major. Blogging allows me not only to exercise my writing ability but also to document such an important time in my life. So this seems like a win-win situation. I am however met with one major obstacle that may delay my actual writing. What to write. All through grade school and even now, when asked to simply write something down in a journal or something similar I always struggle. My mind wanders all day, from deep intellectual issues, such as the existence of God to some shallow insignificant thought like why can one have a single pair of pants but cannot have a single pair of shirts? And yet as my mind flutters from one thing to another, when asked to write I go black. Which would seem to be somewhat of a problem if I want to make writing my career but I digress. I’ve sat and thought of all the possibilities I have. I have considered using a quote per day and writing my reaction. Or a word a day, in which I would try and use it as often throughout my day as I could. Short stories, rambling. Even the most obvious of diary-like entries, but I find that to not only me cliche and a tad boring but ultimately not what I want to do. So I am left with the ever lingering question of “What to write”. Hopefully my answer comes to me quickly or this daydream of mine could be short lived.
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