Love Myself

As cliche as it may sound I realized something. One cannot love one another without loving oneself. Whenever something goes wrong in any relationship after the initial emotion of shock, anger or sadness the immediate response is what did I do? What is so wrong with me that nothing works? And although it is important to know what causes the problem it is not always necessary and it is not always my fault. No longer can I automatically see myself as the problem. I can no longer look at myself as the imperfect nobody. Over two thousand years ago a perfect man walked this earth only to give His life away for me. I must now look at myself through His eyes. The eyes of a God who loves me. Not just emotionally or physically but spiritually. Loves the very essence of who I am as a person. If a perfect God can love me there has to be something there that I can give to others. I love myself for who I am in Jesus Christ. Does that mean I won't make mistakes, absolutely not. I am still a human being I still am not perfect. But what I am is perfect through Christ. And that is the person I choose to love and share with the world. If something doesn't work out that's ok. Things happen for a reason, God has a plan in my life. Who am I to say anything against it. Once I love myself as the person I am in Christ I can give that loves to others and in return I will receive the greatest thing possible, a heart of God. So don't be afraid to love yourself, its necessary. If God loves you, you can love yourself too. When that happens the real light of God will shine through you as the person He intended. And what could possible be better than being the person Christ planned and sees me as? I can not think of anything in the world. So today I begin to love myself in Christ.

My Hands Are Tied

I wish there was something I could say to make you change your mind,
To go back to all those yesterdays, just to turn back time
But what is left for me to do? Hold you closer? Pull you tighter?
It's like the person I've known has died
I can't just sit here and watch you burn
But it's your decisions that have given you this life you've earned
So I'm left with only one option, to wait off to the side.
This doesn't give me any comfort, even knowing how hard I tried,
I wish you the best, I truly do
But now its entirely up to you.

Reassurance

Even when my happiness fades away
I know that you still stay
In my heart, in my mind and in my soul
I am forever reassured that you will be my bole
Although my hope may grow dim
With the waves bellowing in
I can see that distant light
That will guide me through the night
No longer shall I tarry, waiting in fear
For I know that it only takes one step to find that you are near.

How I wish things were different
For once to turn out right
Instead of all this arguing
I'm tired of putting up a fight

Why is all so complicated?
It's never easy anymore
What happened to the time
when a yes was just a yes and a no just a no?

It's all these hidden feelings
for the sake of pride
But when you look around tomorrow
who will there by your side?

I wish that something would give
Causing this to come to an end
But what is there to do
to ensure it won't happen again?

Disappearing Act

I always found it amazing how one human being can completely envelope him self into another person.  It is as if the relationship creates the person as opposed to the person creating the relationship.  I suppose the reason I find it so amazing is because I am one to do that.  'They' say this happens when people truly fall in love and mold into one another.  I however am not referring to a romantic love but a genuine love for another person.  In which I completely lose myself with that person.  Why is that?  Why is it that suddenly I lose my preferences and nerve?  It is as if you are pouring water into the ocean.  Can you differentiate between which was the water in the glass and which was already there?  It is an impossible feat.
I am my own person.  With my own thoughts, emotions, opinions, flaws and talents.  And yet I feel this dependency on others.  Each year I begin saying to myself this is not going to happen again.  This time I won't allow anyone to over ride who I am.  Does that usually happen?  Unfortunately, no.  However now that I am in a new area of my life I am somewhat left without a choice.  I came to college and here are hundreds of people who know nothing about me.  They have no preconceived notions of who I am or who I should be.  Some may see going into a new place knowing no one is scary.  I have chosen to look at it as an opportunity. 
I am who I am, there is no need to hide that.  No longer can I sit in fear of what another may think of me.  Who am I ultimately hurting by not being true to myself?  Me.  And because I have been able to place myself aside for as long as I have I do not even have a clear understanding of who I Am any more.
But what truly makes a person?  The essence of a person does not consist of characteristics, talents and abilities, dislikes and so on.  Rather who a person is, is how they think.  How one thinks decides their heart and ultimately their actions.  My thinking may not make sense to some, may be boring to others, completely agree with another group of people or could express the words one may never have had the ability to say. 
I am who I am for a reason.  As cocky as it may sound hiding it will only negatively affect those that need me.
No longer will I run and hide myself behind someone else.  I will stand as I am.  What a liberating feeling it is too.

A Moving People

Overall as people we are a moving species.  Constantly going from one place to another.  Whether by choice or by a force we never stay in one place for a long period of time.  There is this constant need for action, movement.  But why? Why does it seem almost impossible to simple stay still?
The entire concept of moving is based on the decision of whether to stay or to go? Some may say that there is another option available, the option of not deciding.  However in not deciding your lack of action is a decision within itself.  No matter where or how you approach the situation you will always be met with a decision to make.   Whether it be a literal movement or more of a figurative moment the desire is always stirring inside. More often then not our emotions and wants overtake any thought of what a person should actually do.  One will sit and contemplate all of the possibilities and their outcomes.  After coming to a conclusion you act.  If lucky the action will cause the reaction you desire.  But unfortunately that does not always happen.You act according to plan yet the reaction is either nonexistent or perhaps not quite what you wanted.  And what is our first response?  What  else can I do?  The thought that there is not an available option is not something we consider.  The thought that something can be a lost cause is too much to bear.  There must always be something for you to do.  But is there?
And where does this desire to act stem from?  The need to be in control?  The fear of nothing ever changing?  It becomes more than a desire it becomes a compulsion.  I have to be able to fix this.  Never considering the possibility that you can not.  To settle with that fact, is it accepting reality or giving up?  When do you know when to stop when your heart may never want to? 

Which Way?

Well the wait is over.  I am sure that all of you, well maybe just one
person who actually read this my dear KEG, have been waiting for my decision of what it is that I am going to write.  After deep consideration I have made my decision and that is I do not have one. When I first contemplated creating a blog I felt that I needed some kind of topic or subject that would not only give me something to write about but to keep me on track.  But I realized that life is not always something that follows a track.  Whether or not I realize it as it is happening, every moment plays a part in my life that eventually
will contribute to my future.  So in actuality I did pick an option, rambling.  However, I will try my best to make it interesting.


Well as I previously stated I am a freshman in college. Attending college was never a decision for me.  The option not to go was never a thought in my mind.  College was the next step in my life.  And now
that I am here I am happy to say it was the right one.  I absolutely love it.  But at the same time it petrifies me in a way that I have never experienced before.  It's funny that one could constantly think of their future without even noticing.  Whether it be through a day dream or simple conversation our futures are constantly on our minds.  Here at college it is as if this reoccurring thought is placed in front of your face like a blinking neon sign.  As if worrying on my mind is not enough, I am in an institution where the whole purpose is to prepare for the future.  But what happens when you do not know what your future is going to be?  Everyone says as a Freshmen I have plenty of time.  But within my first semester I already changed my major once and have considered about 10 others.  You know the image of the young person standing on a ride with the fork in front of him.  Each road offering a different road for life.  Mine however feels as if I am surrounded by roads.  I want to know my future without losing the element of surprise and anticipation, the good kind any way.  O how I long for direction!